Sweetheart, I Can’t Do Without You

“Sweetheart, I can’t live without you”

I wrote this as a text message, I sang it into her ears and anytime she threatened to leave, I felt like I was going to kill myself. I said stuff like “my life is incomplete without you”, “life makes no sense without you”…

I said these things to a girl some years ago. Unbelievable! Wasn’t life meaningful before she came? Wasn’t life making so much sense before I gave her space? I think my life was divided when she was in the scene and complete without her!

Today, she is engaged to a man and they’d be married soon! I am still breathing, smiling, jumping and even wondering “what made me say that?”

You see, I didn’t tell her that because I wanted to lie but it was a lie anyway which I too never knew. My feeling was giving me the wrong message, it was telling me that if it wasn’t her, then I’d be lifeless! I reacted and acted on that relationship based on feelings.

All my promises, actions and words were based on feelings and they could only last as long as I let the feeling last. Feelings don’t stay there forever anyway, this is why people who felt they couldn’t do without each other suddenly break up, go their separate ways, get through a little moment of heartbreak but suddenly pick up life from where they left it.

Its been many years we went our separate ways but I didn’t die. I think I got healthier, my blood was pumping well and my heart did just fine except for the few times I thought it was going to burst the initial time she left. Right now, if you offer her for free, I may say “Thanks a lot but no”. 

Can you see how terrible it is to live by your feelings? Do you see that living by feelings means living in self-deceit? Sometimes we tell people “you are the butter in my bread”, yet we know we can eat bread without butter! We weren’t trying to lie, we were lying because we were living in lies!

So many people started off wonderfully but ended devastated because they were allowing their feelings to control most of the choices they made. 

Truth is, love can happen to anyone and with anyone. We only get overwhelmed when we suddenly realize that all those things that happened in the past weren’t love but the result of unrestrained emotions.

Our feelings have the power of taking control when we are not deliberately thinking. To love isn’t an accident, it a deliberate action! Love isn’t something we fall into, we can get lost in infatuation, we can get lost in the butterfly feelings but love is what remains when those feelings are gone. Love is what keeps us together even when our partner seems to have broken the deal.

Love doesn’t happen at first sight, attraction does. We can get attracted to a figure, intelligence, complexion, voice or whatever feature of a person that seems to turn our neck round. It’s not wrong, attraction is beautiful but attraction isn’t the right foundation on which relationships should be built. It will end up shaky!

Attraction is just like a spark, it’s like the kick of the car! We can always kick start the engine but it takes driving skills to actually drive the car. Attraction gives two people reasons to find themselves admirable but love gives them reason to stay together even when the admiration is gone.

Love is a choice, a deliberate commitment, something that transcends the feelings and in fact controls the feelings. You will never stop meeting people you find admirable but it takes love to be faithful and committed to the one you have chosen.

It takes some level of maturity to love, it takes maturity to realise that love isn’t what you feel, it’s a choice to be committed to someone. Maturity puts love in the heart and mind, not in the air. When love is in the air, the wind will always blow it away but when it’s in the mind, it stays with you anywhere.

The truth about love is that you can decide to just love anyone, you can decide to commit yourself to another even when the feeling is gone. Feelings will not always be there but love is what keeps a relationship going.

When we understand what love is, we wouldn’t say “I can’t live without you”, we would rather say “I chose to live with you forever”.

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