There are so many ballyhoos about men and sex that we often don’t take time to study the sexuality of the woman. The first wrong approach we give to the discussions of the sexual needs of women is to think that she doesn’t have so much need for it.
In fact, sometimes, even the woman doesn’t know what is upsetting her in her marriage. She may have a loving husband who showers her with gifts but after every night she feels like there is more, so much more that she isn’t getting but she can’t place it.
The reason is simple, we already know so much about the sexual needs of men but we know so little how it works for the women and even when we seem to have a little knowledge of it, we are selfish.
In our clime, a man who loves sex and talks sex is living a normal life, it’s a sign that he is sexually healthy but when a woman plays out same, we often think she is being loose, wayward and uncultured. This is why it is a bit hard for women to open up about their sexual needs even in their matrimonial homes.
Most women will not tell their husbands how they need to be satisfied, what they aren’t getting right and where they need to be touched. Women are always schooled on how to get the man’s attention but she is denied the very truth about her own body. She simply doesn’t know what she wants and how she wants it but she knows that there is something she isn’t getting.
Men don’t love sex more than women, they don’t have sexual needs more than women and when they are sexually satisfied, the woman may be yearning for even more satisfaction. This is why what is good sex to the man may not be good sex to the woman. The same way the sexual organs of both genders are different, their sexual needs are different but one isn’t more important than the other.
Most men find utmost satisfaction in ejaculation but there is more than the woman wants which most men ignore. Men don’t only ignore it, they often find it very confusing. For example, while women may desire you spend longer time with them during sex, it’s not necessarily about how long you can keep up with an erection, it’s about how long you can make them feel desired.
As a result, for women, foreplay is the most important part of sex. When a woman doesn’t enjoy or yearn for foreplay from her partner, it’s a sign that there is no connection. Men need no connection to appreciate sex but women always need an emotional connection to appreciate sex and for them, foreplay, touching, kissing and so on happens to be their best moments.
In fact, why lasting erection seems to be a factor is simply because they know that once the erection of gone, the man’s attention may also be gone. Some men would fall off their wives and go straight to sleep the moment he finds his own satisfaction. It seems to be the case of the woman helping her man find satisfaction while the man leaves her to sort herself out.
Sometimes, even after the man is done is the starting point for the woman when the game didn’t start well in the beginning. When women cling so much to the body of their husbands, they aren’t just looking for sex, they want attention, they want to be desired.
When men understand this, they may have to ensure their spouse is nearly or very satisfied before penetration. Penetration brings the climax, a kind of reward for a job well done. A man who doesn’t last long on the bed can still satisfy his woman if he is creative and patient enough during foreplay.
Some men think it’s simply about having erection that lasts for hours. No! The woman will even find it very boring and taskful when it’s just all about penetration, she is just there as a sex machine and the feeling isn’t mutual.
If I should be blunt, a man has to be more selfless to satisfy his wife sexually because some of what satisfies the woman doesn’t make so much sense to the man. Men would want to retire from cuddling early enough than the woman would. The woman has pre-sex conditions that need to be met if she is to be satisfied.
For the man, as long as he is erect and as long as there is a “greased channel”, he is ready to go. But being wet isn’t just the indication that the woman is ready. Ready or not, a simulated woman will be wet.
If a woman should wear good lingerie and good perfume just to be pleasing to her man, the man too should be on good shorts, good perfume and a good attitude, it has to be intentional.
If the woman should sleep loose so the mam can freely play, the man can sleep loose too, to allow the woman freely play. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. No one has the exclusive right to satisfaction. If we should read God’s heartbeat for sex, it’s also another platform to serve one another.
Let’s look at what makes it all different for the man and the woman.
Men often appear “always ready” for sex! As long as they are hard, they are ready but for the woman, sex is usually something much more than a hit! A female sexual worker, for example, may be available for sex all the time but she isn’t in it, she is just there to satisfy you and get pay. Her mind is in the money and not in the act, they aren’t a yardstick to judge what sex is for the women.
A woman who is going through addiction isn’t also a yardstick, she isn’t normal, she is like every other sick person who needs help. Women are not always “sex ready” like the men but they are always ready to be desired which is the lead way to satisfaction for them. Where a man says “yes”, a woman is saying “let’s see how it goes.”
The woman’s sexual desire is like the matchstick. It is not always on fire except someone struck it! The more you are creative with guiding the fire from being put off by the wind, the more the matchstick burn, that’s how many women are. If you allow the matchstick to grow so cold, it may be difficult getting it to lit fire for you!
Good sex is priceless to the woman because it seems hard to come by sometimes. A man has to be intentional about his wife’s sexual need to truly satisfy her. When a woman has good sex, it will be obvious.
Most men think because they enjoyed sex means the woman enjoyed it too. Oh well, some women will always fake it just to make you feel good. But what is really good sex for the woman?
Every woman usually does not want to jump right into sex, they want to be desired and I have said that before. For example, when a man isn’t having a good relationship with his wife, chances are that she will remain sexually unsatisfied because her mind isn’t settled.
Sometimes, women intentionally keep a distance just so that they can feel desired. In the Igbo language, we call it “iyanga”. A woman may truly love you, she may truly want you but she keeps a distance, she pretends to be moody just so that it can trigger the male into showing concern. She wants the male to chase her along, she wants to cultivate that feeling of importance.
For men, this is strange! How can someone want you and also be running away from you? That’s women! If you are sensitive enough and know how to listen to her heart, you’ll hear her saying “I want to be desired”.
While making further studies about the sexuality of women, I came across Jim Pfaus’s findings. It’s funny but very interesting at the same time. He observed how rats have sex.
Male rats ejaculate quickly, making sex a very short moment for rats. How do female rats find ways around it? They always have some sort of strange foreplay session. Not the human kind of foreplay though.
The female rat is usually the one who makes the initial move. She runs into the face of the male rat to be noticed and then she walks away. If the male rat is interested, he’ll have to chase her and this chase can happen for a while before the female rat gives in.
Many researchers think that female rats enjoy their unique foreplay than the actual sex. The penetration may be a kind of reward for a job well done. While this may not look like our kind of thing, we can learn one or two things from it. Women’s sexual satisfaction doesn’t only come from the actual sex, its also psychological. They want to be desired.
A young man once complained that he doesn’t understand his wife. He said she would always act as though she isn’t sexually available and when he decides to keep his cool she gets sad. She actually isn’t unavailable, it is a game but many men are a novice in it because they don’t pay attention.
Another reason women lack satisfaction can be as a result of sour marital relationship. When a man constantly abuses his wife or treat her wrongly, she may always let him have her sexually but she isn’t truly in the act, her mind is not there and she can’t be satisfied.
While some men cheat because “they are always sex ready” and they bumped into an offering, some women cheat because someone else is showing them desire in a deeper sense and it is in this desire that they find satisfaction.
Now, this applies to the majority but not to all. Like in everything else, there are always exceptions. There are some men who also love to be desired during sex, they can’t even perform well if that desire is lacking.
I believe an understanding of this will help spice the sexual life of some marriages. Sex that is unselfish will always seek the satisfaction of the other person and when both partners are sexually satisfied, marriage is better!