Deep Codes of Relationship

Constant • Flexible • Dynamic
Truth – Choice – Personality

As a young boy, I remember wearing my Dad’s old shoes to school, he stuffs them with paper until it becomes my size but when I overgrew them, I had to get new shoes. There was no way I would have gotten them to fit me again.

The same thing happened with the clothes I wore then. For oversized clothes, you can always get them into shape, for undersized clothes, you’ll never get them into shape because you can’t reduce yourself.

Life happens a lot like this.

In life, your opinions, based on your experiences isn’t a one size fit for all. It’s like shoes, you only wear what’s your size. No matter how attractive a shirt is, if it isn’t your size, two things are involved; either it’s oversize or undersize.

You see, there are opinions, there is the truth. Truths can’t be an opinion, they don’t change but opinions can be true to you and false to another.

Something may have worked wonders for you and therefore become a game-changer but for another person, that same thing may be a total failure! A young woman may have fallen for a man because of his money but eventually learnt to love him after they had married. For another young woman, it may be a different story, he may never ever learn to love him.

Both women made the same decision but both women are having different outcomes.

A young woman helped a man financially, she stood with him through thick and thin and when he got made, he left her with the excuse that levels changed. Another young woman helped a man financially, she stood with him through thick and thin and even when he had reasons to leave her, he didn’t.

The first woman will always have a different opinion from the second woman. Men who had the same ordeal will also always have different opinions with respect to their experiences.

Some things are constant, you can’t change the rules and it applies to everyone the same way. If it is black, it is black and nothing can change it. Absolute truth is always constant, it is not an opinion.

Some other things are flexible, you can bend the rules, you can always find ways around it. If it is black, you may be able to clean off the surface to see white. This is your opinion, it can work for you and may not work for another.

However, some things are dynamic. They relate with people, not necessarily the way people want but the way people are. It is in this regard that what works for you may never work for someone else, what makes A may not make B.

For example, Cynthia has a kind of personality that moves on from things so easily, cheating may hurt her but it isn’t a deal-breaker for her, not because she is too good and forgiving but because of her temperaments and psychology.

For Drake, he may be too good, too forgiving but also very light-hearted. While he may forgive, he may have to let go as cheating is a deal-breaker for him. He wouldn’t go about painting his ex black but he just can’t deal with a relationship where he would continue having trust issues.

You see, Cynthia and Drake are two different personalities and the same scenario also have different effects on them. These are dynamic occurrences and how it worked for Cynthia may never be how it works for Drake. Cynthia may have a different opinion about one’s response to cheating while Drake would have another opinion.

Their opinions may be valid but it isn’t one size fit for all. On the subject of forgiveness, it remains constant. Both had to forgive so that their hearts can be free, they agree here. Cynthia forgave and continued the relationship, Drake forgave but also admitted he may not deal with the trust issues and decided to move on without harbouring hard feelings.

Forgiveness isn’t an opinion, it is the truth but staying or moving on is what each has to figure out by themselves as it relates to their strengths and what they can bear.

Let’s paint another picture.

Cynthia is a lover of Telemundo but not a lover of sports. Drake is a lover of Sports but not a lover of Telemundo. Both of them are in a relationship or even marriage this time. Although Cynthia isn’t a fan of sports, she decides to start paying attention to it so that Drake doesn’t feel alone when watching sports at home. Drake also decides to do the same on Telemundo.

You see, this has nothing to do with their personality, it is something they have so much control over. Though Cynthia doesn’t love sports, she can learn to and though Drake doesn’t love Telemundo, he can learn to. It is flexibility, the rules can be bent here.

In marriages, for example, there are certain cultural norms that tend to make women more responsible for domestic chores while it makes men more responsible for financial responsibility. The rules can be bent, both couples can decide to go counter-culture, the man can learn to do basic dishes, the woman can learn to make foot basic bills. It is flexible, it can be controlled.

Certain things work for everybody, certain things can be made to work even if they weren’t originally working and certain things can work differently for different people.

While what works for you may not work for me, there are also certain rules that work for everybody. These rules are often principles. For example, respect for one another is a constant rule, it can’t be bent, there is no way out of it. If you want a healthy relationship, respect must be mutual, love must be unfailing, it is not a mere choice, it is the sure element that holds two together.

Whether you are dishing out opinions, or you are dealing with someone, you need to always have in mind that certain opinions and suggestions are not one size for all. How you move on from hurts may be different from how I move from hurt but one thing is sure, we must move on. How I deal with heartbreaks may be different from how you deal with heartbreak, but one thing is sure, we must deal with it.

One person stayed in an abusive relationship till they both grew old and the abusive partner got wiser or lost energy, another decides to follow the example of the other person and she is beaten to death!

What are deal breakers for you? What will you find harder condoning? Is there a great contrast between your life’s philosophy and that of the other person? Don’t trade a path just because someone else went there and came back with a testimony.

There are things you can change, there are things that can change you and there are things you cannot change. Identify each of these things and put them where they belong.

Let’s say, these are the deep codes of relationship.

  • The truth – stick to it.
  • Your choice – make it right.
  • Your personality – improve it.
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