When God created Adam, the man, it wasn’t immediately announced that he needed a woman. The need wasn’t there at first. Eve, the female Adam, was made to manifest as a result of a need not just because Adam desired a companion. Adam wasn’t complaining and in fact, he did found companionship among animals as pets make good company.
However, it was God who saw the need that Adam may have or never have seen. God saw that Adam hadn’t found any suitable companion. He has companions but they weren’t suitable. Not that God didn’t know that animals weren’t going to make suitable companions but he wanted Adam to see the need himself and be able to accept the woman.
When God caused Eve to manifest in the physical realm, Adam beheld her and “fell in love”. Adam understood the vacuum he has been feeling inside of him, he understood that there are good companions but there is a suitable companion. While the dog may have been man’s supposed best friend or maybe the cat, Adam saw there was a best ahead of the bests. This was the beginning of the institution called marriage and of course the beginning of what we know today as “relationships”.
I started this way because I want to get us somewhere. There is an Igbo adage that says “when you desire what you are supposed to have, it is not lust.” If lust means desiring what you ought to have, it would also mean that doing business and expecting profit is lust.
For some of us, certain things aren’t mere desires anymore, they aren’t just fantasies but serious necessities. There are discussions that wouldn’t sound less serious anymore. For example years back, it would be funny when we talk about marriage and who we would want to marry. Marriage was a fun topic then but now we may discuss it with much more seriousness because it isn’t just a desire anymore but a necessity.
Years back, I would watch movies and crush on beautiful characters thinking that somehow it would be possible to marry one of those! We would see pictures of Indian ladies and think “in fact, I will marry an Indian.” They were mere fantasies, it served its fun purpose.
Was I to chose a wife then? I’d simply follow my fantasies and not purpose. I love beautiful women, I love them slim, soft, ambitious “slayish” and sleek! I have a very high taste for flashy things. My choice of a wife was going to heavily depend on my “taste” and nothing more than that.
Well, at this moment, life has gotten serious and even though I have a spec in my head, it wouldn’t determine who I marry because I am marrying for a purpose, to meet a need. Marriage has become a necessity and when I desire it, I desire it because I need it!
Years back, when I say “I need a wife” I may laugh afterwards but now when I say I need a wife, it is something I am actively working towards achieving. It is a project for me just like every other dream that is relevant now.
Another example is close. Years back, when I desire a car, it would be a result of lust for luxury. I would desire a car because I love to be among the big boys, I love the feeling of being a car owner and dangling my car key. If I was to buy a car then, it would be in accordance with my fantasies. I wouldn’t just go for any car but very flashy ones.
Now, when I desire a car, it is out of necessity and I wouldn’t mind going for a very low budget car that can commute me easily. It is no longer about gracing the pages of social media and getting countless congratulations.
How about those days, we would pass a nice building and fantasize living in our own houses. We had those fantasies because of the luxury! As a kid, I would always say I will have a tank of ice cream right on top of my bed. Those were fantasies and it served its fun purposes. Now, having my own house has become a need and when I desire it, I am desiring the right thing.
I can now engage in healthy discussions about marriage, I can sit a woman down and we talk about it, I can go on a date knowing so well that marriage is the purpose. I can do these things without jittery or the thoughts of “am I ready?”
Now, my search no longer revolves around the specific shape of a woman. It doesn’t matter anymore how she looks or how well her body fits my taste… Purpose is what matters. I have come to understand that sometimes, things and people that will help us fulfil purpose don’t fit into our taste and sometimes those things that fit into our taste becomes the greatest enemy to purpose. No wonder the Bible says
“Charm is deceptive, beauty is vain…”
What changed? I grew up! Growth happened and I learnt that even though herbs taste bitter, they would be better for me than sweets! Everything has it’s time, some desires aren’t wrong, it is the timing that may make it wrong while the understanding of purpose gives us a whole new perspective into what we desire and how to approach it.