Read! Before you say “I Do”
Human beings can only change when there is a superior and supernatural experience that happens over time, enough time that it replaces their addictions and mindset. Change is not what thousands of moral instructions can give, it is not what threats can achieve. People won’t change because you cried over what they did, they may withdraw from it for a while but they will ultimately demonstrate their peculiarities again. It takes a very exceptional-supernatural personal experience to change and it doesn’t happen in a jiffy, it happens with time because the flesh will always contend with change when it starts to surface. Only a few people get to have such experience in a lifetime, people like Paul of Tarsus.
I have seen many people who grumble about their partners’ bad behaviour! Some would say “he was never like this before we got married”. Can I tell you the truth? He has always been like that just that emotions clouded your sight, you couldn’t ask the right questions, you couldn’t accept the red flags and you couldn’t read the writings on the wall because you were in love! Whatever people are in marriage is what they came into that marriage with. Marriage doesn’t change anyone, marriage simply unites two persons including their excesses.
Another would say “he was like that before marriage, he cheated on me but apologized, since then he never cheated again. After our wedding, he has turned into a serial cheater”. No, he didn’t turn into a serial cheater after the wedding, he has been a cheat even before you met him. You simply made the mistake by thinking that a one time “I am sorry” will automatically change him.
Now let me say this very clearly, don’t accept what you can’t tolerate, never make that mistake! If you can’t condone certain things, don’t give them chance to happen at first. Don’t marry a hot-tempered woman thinking that you can pray him or her out of it. If you couldn’t pray them out of it before marriage, it is not in a marriage that you can do so. Don’t marry an errant man thinking that the moment you become his wife and have his child, you can cage him with a baby and stop him from looking at another woman. Marriage is not an antidote for waywardness, if you can’t tolerate it, don’t accept it!
People hardly change, their body will also resist change when it seems to be coming. It is the same thing with what goes on inside the body of a healthy person. When your cells are very healthy and infection comes in, your cells begin to resist this infection, they begin to fight it because it is alien to the body. This is why there are ailments that disappear on their own even without medication, this is because your body fought a good fight! Your body fights free radicals every day and in this way, you will also fight change when your mind isn’t changed.
Why do you see people argue stuff to a point of fighting? It is because they are being introduced to a new idea and it is different from what they have always known! If you marry someone knowing his or her residues or addictions, prepare to live with it forever, make up your mind that this is what you’ll condone, develop thick skin towards it even as you except the better. Have good expectations but don’t bank on it! When you start fighting your husband because he cheats, he will always feel offended because this is who he has been all those while before you tied the knot.
Forgive people but don’t expect a change from them, at least not immediately. People can only tame their excesses, not change easily. Two cannot walk together except they agree but when two decides to walk together without reaching a consensus, whatever the outcome is should be tolerated.
I read a news where a young man poured fuel on his girlfriend and set her ablaze because she cheated on him. It was said that the man gave her an apartment and was providing all she needed but it was also said that this woman was a prostitute and he knew about it before talking her out of it. The young lady died afterwards and the man is having his time in jail! It is very unfortunate but the young man wasn’t only wicked, he was also stupid. I don’t mean to insult him, I mean that he is stupid with all sense of politeness. Aside not respecting the rights of the young girl, and not having self-control, how do you want a prostitute to change between some months? If you decide to live with a prostitute, make up your mind to also accept whatever comes with it!
Before you get married to someone, please ask questions, come out of the prison of emotions and study who you are getting married to. Once you discover a part of them that you cannot condone, leave that relationship and give them the chance of finding those who can condone it. If you still want to go ahead with them against all odds, then you have to develop a thick skin towards their bad behaviours and learn to overlook it!
Remember that love is not a feeling, love is a decision. Love doesn’t make us blind, we rather turn blind eyes towards things because of love. Love doesn’t make you not to discover issues in people, you discover them and overlook them because of love. If it is beyond your ability to overlook it, then move on with your life!
Everyone has their breaking point, don’t play with things that will eventually stretch you to that breaking point. That someone else condoned it doesn’t mean you can condone it. That someone else lived with a man who beats her every single day doesn’t mean you can do that. If he cannot cook and believes house chores belongs to the woman, don’t expect him to start cooking after marriage! If you eventually marry him, be ready to cook and do house chores all your life!
I say again, whatever you cannot condone, don’t accept it in the first place. If you eventually accepted it, you have two options. To either walk away or to develop a thick skin towards it.