Sometimes, life doesn’t function with a definite principle and that is why we must not always expect to get the exact results another person got even if we do things the exact way they did it. Life is not like some mathematics that uses one or two formulas, there are several formulas to life and each is unique to individuals. Sometimes, we only make these discoveries as life progresses.
What worked for Mrs A may never really work for Mrs B. For one person, early marriage may be a launchpad to destiny and for another person, it would be a limitation to a purpose. Some people couldn’t further their education or even follow a career path after getting married while some were able to do so in marriage. While one person became very successful as a single person, another person’s success may be tied to his or her marriage.
In Mr A’s family, Mr A loves cooking and cooks most times for his family. In Mr B’s family, Mrs B wants to own the kitchen and she doesn’t complain about doing all the chores. In Mr C’s family, Mr and Mrs C have duty rosters and often do chores in turns. For all of the above, their marriages are working perfectly fine but what works for Mr A isn’t working for Mr B, their marriages are working because they have an understanding that makes it work for them.
When Mr B’s family decide to run on the model of Mr A’s family, their marriage may crash. Marriage involves two persons and there must be an understanding between the two for it to work. This understanding should be mutual.
For example, if you don’t love cooking or you believe the woman belongs to the kitchen, don’t marry a woman who doesn’t believe so only to end up forcing her to do all the chores alone. Look for a woman who believes that her place is in the kitchen, make her your wife and the both of you will enjoy that aspect of marriage because there was an understanding. If you are a woman who believes that the man and his wife are equal in a sense, don’t marry a man who believes the woman is an afterthought and man’s subordinate because both of you will always have issues over whose words count.
This is why it is wrong to model your marriage based on the testimonies and experiences of another person. For example, a woman was in an abusive marriage, she was being raped and battered by her husband but she remained in the marriage without even involving a third party. One day, her husband had an encounter that made him change his mind and he started treating her fine. This same woman may use her experience to encourage another woman into staying in a marriage that is abusive and this woman may be patient enough to allow her husband to beat her to death! Both had the same experience, one had victory and another died in it!
Another example is a woman who married a man because he had money and the marriage turned out fine, they both grew in love and her husband treated her with the utmost respect! Another may make the same choice and fall into the hands of a rich beast who always brag about how “I brought you out of the gutter.”
While there are guides that can be applied generally, we must ensure that before we journey into forever with someone, we share similar values! When we start thinking of marriage, we must pay attention to the values of our partners. If it is not compatible with ours, we need to take a walk. As a woman, it is not a problem to be opinionated but don’t give yourself to a man who finds a problem with that. It is not wrong to marry as a young man who hasn’t hit the jackpot yet but marry a woman who will understand that and is willing to walk the walk with you regardless of the weight of your pocket.
When you eventually marry someone who doesn’t share the same values with you, you will be forced to bow to their own values if they are stronger than you! Don’t also make certain decisions simply because you saw it working for someone else, it may never work for you, it may be destructive!
Personally, I believe that a woman is equal to her husband, I admit that couples are unique and different but as humans, they are equal and deserve equal respect, equal love and equal accountability with respect to one’s individual strength. I wouldn’t want to end up with a woman who will turn me into a god, a woman who won’t move until I say so and a woman who bows at everything I say without questioning the ones that deserve to be questioned. Well, not every woman wants my kind and not every man wants the kind of woman I want.
To know the kind of partner you need and what will work best for you, look inwards, study your own values and discover yourself. Only then can you find out the formula that works best for you. Read books on marriage but when they are using their own experiences to guide you, be careful not to replicate what they are offering you, it may crash your marriage! Your formula is unique, discover it!