SEXIFIED MARRIAGE | Sex for pleasure

Sex is beautiful; it is a holy experience between married couples, a divinely designed way to build intimacy, no intimacy is more profound than that built on the fabrics of sex. Well, false religion has a way of downplaying very important things in life. Some Christians have been made to think that the only reason for sex is procreation and so they feel guilty whenever they have and entertain the urge for sex. But, let us make it clear before we proceed that sex is designed by God to be consummated only in marriage and not outside it or without it.

I once met a man who said any woman demanding sex from her husband for the sake of pleasure is full of lust and therefore a sinner, he argued that women don’t have right to desire sex. This is why in some African cultures, girls are mutilated in their genitals so that they can’t desire sex. It is regarded as wayward when a woman opens up that she wants to have sex. A young lady once told me she always felt guilty when she has sex with her spouse because of the way she was brought up to think about sex.

Well, God designed sex, I believe God was smiling, happy and fulfilled when He drafted the concept of sex. It is a gift we must appreciate and God wired us this way. He created us male and female; He designed our emotions and body chemistry, He also made us find the opposite sex sexually attractive. The purpose of sex wasn’t just for procreation, it was also for intimate pleasure which helps to build the bond of marriage. If sex isn’t pleasurable, then nobody would even want to get married, procreate and be together. Sex is what makes marriage even more attractive to couples. God did not design sex to be placed on hold except for when a need for children comes.

Sex in itself is not immoral, talking about it or even thinking about it is not immoral. Sex assumes the character of who acts it or thinks it. We indeed live in a sexually capricious world and the religious ones believe the world is perverse because people find pleasure in sex. They, therefore, decide to suppress the urge by all means so that they can appear holier. What actually makes sex immoral? It is when sex is abused that immorality of sex is birthed! God wired us with the entire libido we have, some abused it and became addicted; they use sex outside the frameworks of what God has designed it to be. However, it doesn’t change what sex is, it doesn’t make sex evil just as false prophets don’t make Christianity false.

Sex is not wrong, seeking it for pleasure and even exploring ways to enjoy it is not wrong. If you could see God’s face when having sex with your spouse, He is smiling or even laughing! God is not angry with you wanting to improve your sex life, He isn’t angry with you wanting to have more sex but not more children. This is where the issue of contraceptive comes in; people usually ask “what is God’s mind on contraceptives?” I believe that if God wired us to desire sex, it means sex serves several purposes. You may not want more children but you can’t want more sex, in this regard, you may want to use contraceptives so that you don’t bring children you can’t care for into the world.

When the Bible said in Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” it meant a lot. How is marriage honoured? It is honoured by couples being faithful to each other and giving their bodies for themselves. To keep the bed pure doesn’t mean to avoid sex when it is not for the purpose of procreation; it means to be sexually faithful to each other and to consummate sex to every length and breadth you want as couples. Sexual immorality simply means “the abuse of sex” which isn’t possible when practised in the confines of marriage.

To think that sex for pleasure in marriage is a sin is the height of dangerous ignorance, no wonder some religious couples who share in that school of thought do have sour marriages. They stay together but they are emotionally divorced. No matter the vision you share together with your spouse, no matter the friendship that exists between the two of you, nothing builds intimacy more than sex. This is why it is important for couples to intentionally develop their sex life for the benefit of their marriage. It is not wrong to seek ways of finding more pleasure in sex, it is not wrong to tell your spouse how to handle you sexually, it is not wrong to tell your spouse where to touch you! It is not even a misplaced priority! Couples who can comfortably discuss sex and how they would want to be handled sexually can communicate virtually everything together!

Having sex together as married couples for fun is as healthy and righteous as reading the bible and praying together. The thing is this; anything can be distractive including food! Sex doesn’t stop you from burning for God; it doesn’t reduce the workings of the Holy Spirit in you and it doesn’t make you less spiritual. Some people think that avoiding sex with their spouse will make them more consecrated than they are; they feel they would do more exploits if they avoid sex for a long time. Let’s see Paul’s instructions to couples in 1 Corinthians 7:5

“Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterwards, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

You see, God desires that couples enjoy sex together and he desires that even when couples decide to abstain from sex for some time to focus on spiritual exercises, it shouldn’t take so much time! Some might say Paul was writing to those who don’t have self-control but I want to think it differently. Lack of control Paul might have referred to here is our inability to control some chemistry that occurs in our body which makes us feel sexually activated. That aside, whatever sex Paul was talking about here wasn’t sex for children but sex for pleasure.

In some cultures, men see their wives as wayward when they make demands for sex or when they suggest where they would like to be touched and how they would want to be handled during sex. Some men feel women are just sex machines while they are the ones wired to enjoy sex but that is not true. A woman can even have a higher libido than her husband and she isn’t wayward for wanting sex more often. Some have also described foreplay as ungodly because it is about pleasure; they just jump into their wives, relieve themselves of their own urge and leave the woman to her fate! But that is wrong and God doesn’t approve of it. What the Bible says is “don’t deprive each other of sex!” This means that whether it is the man or the woman that wanted sex, it shouldn’t be deprived.

Although in the time of the law, there were restrictions as to when a man shouldn’t go into the wife. There were times soldiers wouldn’t touch their wives but it has nothing to do with their spiritual lives or God not being happy with their sexual lives. There is a simple way to understand this. During wars, fighters are to focus on fighting because any mistake could lead to their defeat! With regards to that, they may not be allowed to go into their wives until the war is over. They are meant to stay strong and focused at all times. Just about anything can be distractive, food can be a distraction, a business can be a distraction and sex can be a distraction. So, because sex can be distractive doesn’t make it evil as a business could also be distractive.

The Songs of Solomon in the Bible clearly shows us that sex is designed by God to build intimacy between couples. There is no place in the Bible that is more detailed than Songs of Solomon as regards to sex for pleasure. The idea of non-adventurous sex styles is clearly debunked in that piece of writing! Songs of Solomon, in fact, is too sensual for the liking of many religious folks who question in their heart how such a book found its place in the Bible. Let’s read some pieces of stuff there and hey! It is a sensual read, yeah, a holy sensual read!

“How beautiful are your feet in sandals,
O prince’s daughter!
The curves of your hips are like jewels,
the work of the hands of an artist.

 “Your navel is like a round goblet
which never lacks mixed wine;
your belly is like a heap of wheat
Fenced about with lilies.

 “Your two breasts are like two fawns,
Twins of a gazelle.

– Songs of Solomon 7:1-3

You might be wondering, is this some erotic book or something? It is a part of the Bible where God reveals to us that eros part of love is designed for a reason! In fact, what we see in the Songs of Solomon is a toned down of an intensely sensual desire! The writer wasn’t being conservative with words to his spouse and in Israel in those days; younger people weren’t allowed to read the Songs of Solomon until a certain age. The songs of Solomon wasn’t about sexual affair aimed at procreating, it was about the sexual affair for pleasure. The sensual writing was toned down using images of trees and other things of nature, it would have been rated 18+ if not for the brilliance of the writer.

When we thought we had read it all, Solomon continues with his intelligent description of the body of his bride. He continues from verse 4 to 8

“Your neck is like a tower of ivory,
your eyes like the pools in Heshbon
By the gate of Bath-rabbim;
your nose is like the tower of Lebanon,
Which faces toward Damascus.

“Your head crowns you like Carmel,
and the flowing locks of your head are like purple threads;
The king is captivated by your tresses.

“How beautiful and how delightful you are,
my love, with all your charms!

“Your stature is like a palm tree,
and your breasts are like its clusters.

“I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree,
I will take hold of its fruit stalks.’
Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine,

And the fragrance of your breath like apples,”

One might say well “he is just praising her body” but in verse 8, we clearly see that Solomon desired to make love to his bride for pleasure. It is not about jumping into her and going all off! He wanted to take his time on her body and play around her breast.

While admiring his bride, he is sexually charged for pleasure and not necessarily for babies! God in His wisdom, allowed the Songs of Solomon to be delivered to us so that we can understand his will about sex.

If we read further into verse 9, we see the bride respond to him and making her own intentions known too. This is a beautiful display of God’s intention for sex; this is why such intimacy is unhealthy to be developed outside the confines of marriage. In verse 12, we see something exciting and unusual. The bride said to him

“Let us rise early and go to the vineyards;
Let us see whether the vine has budded
and its blossoms have opened,
and whether the pomegranates have bloomed.
There I will give you my love.”

Pomegranates are highly aphrodisiac with a very rich history. It was regaled as a culinary symbol of Aphrodite by the ancient Greeks. An aphrodisiac substance enhances sex and makes the experience worth it! The essence of aphrodisiac isn’t to make babies but to enjoy sex and reach a climax!

So many married women complain they’ve never experienced what is called “orgasms”, does God want them to find ways to reach it? Is it unholy for women to want to reach an orgasm? That is why some people take aphrodisiacs! Well, it didn’t start today and God created those substances just for our pleasure. Read the above verse again, the Bride said to Solomon “let’s go to the vineyards… Let’s check on the pomegranates and see if it has bloomed. And right there, we will make love!” She wanted the sexual experience to worth it, and she wanted them to have an aphrodisiac before making love!

I am sure that God’s will on sex is clear now. While sex is a tool for procreation, sex is also a tool for pleasure and intimacy among married couples. This would also help us understand why God doesn’t want us to have this experience with someone else other than our spouse. Multiple sexual encounters would lead to unhealthy comparisons and intimacy with someone else which destroys the fabrics of marriage and leaves families shattered!

Good sex life in marriage also has a way of making the couples very united to run the family, raise godly children and stick together! When children grow up noticing the beautiful bond that holds their parents together, they would grow hold family in high esteem. Family-oriented people are world changers because change starts from the family and when the board of directors are very intimate, there is the willingness to work together and there is the will power to stick together despite any fight.

Good sex in marriage is not the availability of the woman to satisfy the man whenever he wants it and even in any unhealthy way he wants it. It is not the enduring power of the woman to pretend that everything is alright when the husband jumps into her, satisfies himself and jumps out without paying attention to the body of his wife. Good sex in marriage is built together by the couples, they both pay attention to their bodies, they both find their own bodies very sacred for themselves only and they find their bodies so appealing that they would want to explore everywhere to find what gives each other pleasure the most. Good sex in marriage begins when the goal of each spouse is not just to get satisfied but to satisfy the other person. This is what I mean by SEXIFIED MARRIAGE.


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