Many times I see people give certain rationalisations why they enter relationships and most times the reasons they give are the exact reasons why I suppose I shouldn’t be in a relationship. For me, a relationship is not an avenue to learn how to love someone better. I shouldn’t be experimenting love with someone because I believe that love is beyond feelings, it is a nature and an adventure that I should improve on every day. There is no time-frame in the growth of love as it is something each and every one of us is exacted to keep growing in until we are out of this earth. A relationship is not enough to learn the art of love as love is what we extend to everyone. Even if I should rehearse marriage, I shouldn’t be rehearsing it with just anybody, I should still rehearse it with the right person. But why experiment it anyway when we will spend so many decades mutually doing a whole lot of new learnings?
I shouldn’t be in a romantic relationship to learn who my partner is because if we ultimately get married, I will realize I have not known a moiety of who she is. There are other ways to get clues about people and friendship is one of the most profound ways to know people better but it doesn’t mean we can get to know all of a person in just a moment of dating or friendship. I don’t think a relationship is enough to teach me who my partner is. Marriage is a class of its own and in marriage, we are determining to handle parts of our partners that we never knew.
I shouldn’t be in a relationship to examine my partner to see if she is homely, a good cook and all of those qualities we believe a wife should have. A relationship is not a place I start to expect a woman to be all over me, doing my house chores, answering my surname and going on different occasions with me. We shouldn’t expect ourselves all over our private spaces, all over our social media walls and status. Until we come to a level of commitment where we decide to seal the deal, there are things I don’t expect from a woman.
I shouldn’t be in a relationship to get my emotional needs met because, at a very high degree, I should be in charge of my emotions. Whether my birthdays are remembered or not, whether my pictures are on her walls or not, whether she is public about us or not, that should not be the drive why I should be in a relationship. It’s got to be something more serious than holding hands together and having the best of the moment. A relationship shouldn’t be an activity of the moment, it should be a lead to something more profound.
If there is any reason why I should be in a relationship, it is to register my heartfelt stake in building a lifetime union with someone in whom I have found some trails of my future. It should be the spring of a journey where we both know that even as aren’t ready for a union at the moment due to one or two things, we are promising to keep ourselves for ourselves because we want to share our destiny together. Even as we live a free life, have friends and build a large network of people, we can always come back to ourselves. We aren’t suggesting to ourselves that it is a do or die affair as we can always part ways if we abruptly realise that we aren’t really as compatible as we had thought. The essence of a relationship isn’t to make that discovery of compatibility, it should be a discovery we have had some hint as friends. A relationship is an agreement and a promise to walk together.
While we wait, we can help ourselves build our dreams and support each other, knowing that in no distant time, we will not just be united in the body, we will also be united in our goals and instead of targeting two goal posts, we can now target just one goal post and win together. It is in this regard that we become one.
This is why I shouldn’t want to click with just anyone because I should not be experimenting with anyone. Many people feel a relationship is a place you learn how to satisfy a partner sexually but come to think of it, someone else would do better sexually! If a relationship is about discovering a better partner, someone is obviously better than whatever you have now. This is why I think differently in this regard and this is why I can’t just walk up to any beautiful woman and say “can we try out something and see where it heads?” If I love a woman and want her for myself, I am not trying to see where it heads, I am simply hoping that it heads towards marriage and I will do well to work it through. If in the process we eventually discover that we don’t share a mutual ground, then maybe we call it a day and hope for the better next time. I am not saying there should be a perfect discovery before we venture into relationships but at least there should be a reasonable finding for without it, it is as good as gambling into a relationship with a stranger.
I have come across astounding couples, some are living together, some are experimenting all their sexual fantasies together and when you ask one of them “are you working towards marriage with her?” He laughs and replies “well she is good for a relationship but obviously not for marriage.” I don’t consent to that line of thought, a relationship should be a solemn affair of two people who are growing a world together. There must be a connection beyond what appeals just in the physical. Of course, there should be a physical attraction but there ought to be a connection of purpose, there ought to be traces of the future in us for ourselves. I should find these things in friendship before resolving if we should give ourselves that commitment of keeping ourselves for ourselves.
For me, a lovey-dovey relationship should be deliberate and not an investigation.
~ George O.N