Some people are managing toxic and very unhealthy relationships today simply because they don’t know what life has got for them if they are alone. Truth be told, some people are just scared to be alone and so they do everything possible to keep any relationship. There are cases of people who have been in abusive relationships for more than ten years and they continue to manage and hope that someday a change might come but also determined to stay even if that change doesn’t come. They aren’t staying because they are happy with the relationship or because there are signs of change, they stay because they are scared of being alone.
But come to think of it, is our happiness supposed to be dependent on anyone? When we discover that our emotions have been built around a person, we are in for danger because if that person isn’t there anymore it means we will break down. And surely, they can’t be there forever or at least, at all times. It is okay to be happy in a relationship but it is unhealthy to let your partner decide how you feel. One sign that you are not in a healthy relationship may include if your happiness revolves around your partner, if it does, it means you aren’t expressing your true self because you have to do anything to keep up with your partner since he or she happens to be the source of your happiness.
Making your partner responsible for your feelings may also indicate that you are a bit toxic, insecure and without some sense of esteem for yourself. A good way to begin checking yourself is by taking an analysis of your past relationships and how you got into the present one. If you have had past relationships, do you wait to heal completely, understand yourself better and be ready for a relationship before you dive into one? If your answer is no, then you’re probably very scared of being alone. It is true that you mustn’t have to wait long to jump into another relationship because there could be other factors like meeting someone who seems to have the character of your ideal man but if you just can’t stay without a relationship, then it is likely that you’ve got some emotional rehab to make.
“Truth be told, some people are just scared to be alone and so they do everything possible to keep any relationship.”
Another way to know if you’re truly venturing into a relationship because you’ve found that person you’re waiting for or you’re just trying to jump out of that “singles” label lies in how you treat yourself. Do you fancy having some time to yourself? Do you think of buying yourself birthday gifts or staying indoors at times to enjoy yourself by yourself? Do you think of going out by yourself and taking pictures by yourself? If you always want to drag your crush or partner into every scene, then you’re probably not in a relationship because you needed it. Perhaps, your fear of being single is obvious. For some women, they usually have these tendencies when their biology clock seems to be indicating that they are running late but it is important that you understand that relationship isn’t something to be hurried into. If you hurry into a relationship, you may also hurry out!
If your only idea of working out in the morning or taking a walk in the woods or parks involves having your partner around you, you may actually not be enjoying your relationship but rather keeping it because you don’t want to be alone. If the only way you heal from a broken relationship is by getting someone else to fill that vacuum, it is also an indication that you are scared of being alone. One big secret many people don’t know is that you don’t need anyone to fill a vacuum that your ex has left; you need to fill that vacuum by yourself. It is only by filling that vacuum with yourself that you become strong for the next relationship. If you are looking for people to fill that space, then they are just coming to do you a favour and they will treat you that way.
There are people who are very aware that they are not enjoying their relationships, they are very aware that it isn’t working and they have seen the red flags and got convinced that this isn’t what they were looking for but they get scared whenever they think of walking away from the relationship. Some seem to be held by the fact that they have spent so many years together, some seem to be held by the fact that they have had sex together and some seem to get stuck by the fact that they had invested so much in the relationship. They know it isn’t working but they just can’t pull off because they are afraid to lose out after all those emotional and material investments.
“If the only way you heal from a broken relationship is by getting someone else to fill that vacuum, it is also an indication that you are scared of being alone.”
Well, people make mistakes and if you have had sex which leads to a degree of emotional attachment, or made so many investments or spent several years together, why not admit that it failed and move on? It is easier said than done, it is not easy to just pull out but unfortunately, that is the only option. It is better to start healing now than start healing next year. Why continue dating someone who constantly beat you, treat you as an option and neglect you with reckless abandon? The only reason some continue is that they feel they are worthless and won’t get to be admired by another person especially now they feel used and old. You never can tell, someone is waiting for you, hoping that you’d come his or her way! However, you need yourself first, you need to love yourself and learn how to take care of you first. In a relationship, it is not wrong to bring in your terms but you can only know what terms that can work for you when you pay attention to yourself. Singlehood is the best place to pay attention to oneself.
If you are in a toxic or abusive relationship and you are looking for a way out, check out our articles on HOW TO DEAL WITH TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS and MOVING ON FROM ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. Just in case you aren’t sure if your relationship is toxic but you often feel it is, also see 7 INDICATIONS THAT YOU ARE IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP.
We aren’t saying that being scared of singlehood indicates you are in a bad relationship. It is possible to fall into awesome relationships even by accident but it is always likely that being afraid of singlehood will always motivate you to enter the next available ship without checking if it’s a replay of Titanic. Even God said “it is not good for a man to be alone” and so we need people in our lives because we do better when we are together than when we are on our own. However, to ensure that you are with the right person, it is important to have a balance by yourself. Adam made a choice, he accessed the animals first and realized they weren’t what he needed and he met Eve, discovered she was just like him and he made his choice. That Adam was alone didn’t make God matchmake him with just anything. So, if your primary reason of being in or pursuing a relationship is just because you are scared of being single or you don’t want to be the odd one out, then you may be boarding a titanic or maybe Boeing 737 Max which is likely to crash!
“Singlehood is the best place to pay attention to oneself.”
You’ve got many more years ahead; you’ve got many more people ahead and it is not wrong to wait. Why not make yourself suitable enough to attract the right people? Many of us don’t enjoy singlehood anymore, I definitely don’t! But I am not scared of it because while I wait, I learn myself more and get better. When she comes around, she will find a better me who wouldn’t depend on her to be happy and fulfilled and this way we enjoy a mature and healthier relationship.
Are you about rushing into a relation-ship? Check the ship well. Titanic looks powerful but an iceberg pulled it down.
~ George O.N