WHY I DIDN’T COMMIT SUICIDE

Why I didn't commit suicide by George Onyedika Nnadozie

I will try to keep this as short as possible.

One time ago, I read a Facebook status update of someone I had never met or chatted with before and I felt she was heartbroken and depressed. Something in me motivated me to reach out to her and I did. I slid to the Facebook messenger and started chatting with her to know what the problem was. Initially, she wanted to brush me off but being good with words, I didn’t let her do that. We arranged a meeting quickly and she failed to show up but I persisted and arranged another meeting. When she came around, she was looking pale and very sick, her eyes were red and you could see traces of fear and tears on her face. She started telling me her story, a relationship she so cherished and banked on going down the drain before her very eyes for no reason. She had invested all of her love in it that she felt there was nothing more left. I’ll spare you the long story. She was on the verge of suicide when we started communicating and she saw no reason to live.

I remember watching her cry before me and I could still see that face with tears, I am not sure I can get rid of that memory. I felt bad too and wanted to join her in shedding tears but I had to be strong for her, at least, at that moment. I allowed her to cry a bit and then I started telling her so many things, words that I can’t even remember now were flowing from my lips. I realized she hadn’t eaten for days and I bought her some food and drink so she could go home and eat. I remember sending her some messages too. Although she remained sober, I made sure she smiled a bit. One big thing was that she went home with the readiness to live again.

I didn’t try taking advantage of her vulnerability at that time; I rather used it to drop words into her soul. I saw her off and didn’t start disturbing her with calls and all of that. That night, she was the only subject of my prayers. We never saw again till date but we communicated at random and the last time we spoke then, she said “I am so much better! Those messages were so powerful (it was Steve Furtick’s teachings that I sent her). Today, she is a happy woman, doing so much better, advancing in her career and breaking grounds! When she looks back at the past, she will be grateful that the man left her and she will laugh at herself for ever thinking suicide was an option. If she had given up, she would have ended her story untimely. Am sure she’ll always tell herself now “this is the best time to live. Life isn’t bad after all.”

It doesn’t matter the mistakes and poor decisions you have made in the past, as long as you’re still living, you can rewrite the wrongs by making better decisions and subjecting yourself to the discipline today. Don’t stay in that corner mourning your failures and thinking that you are the only one life has been unfair to. When people tell you their own story, you may have to leave your own tears and start wiping theirs. No matter how bad your experiences have been, there are people with worst records who still chose to live. What if I tell you the story of Tiger Woods? Maybe you should Google it and read yourself.

Was your last relationship messy? You have another time to rewrite the wrong. Did you get yourself into deals that you shouldn’t have been into? Did you run into heavy debts that you cannot pay? Did you lose all that you have worked for? What is that thing exactly that has gone so wrong making you stand between the option of living and dying? Have you made serious poor life choices? No matter what it is, as long as there is life, there is hope. Suicide has never been a way to get out of trouble, it is a way to seal a problem and make unsolvable. You can do better this time.

In the Bible, Judas betrayed Jesus…

Peter denied Jesus…

Paul persecuted Jesus…

Judas felt he couldn’t live with the height of his atrocities; he was sorry for what he did but he just felt he couldn’t live with it because he couldn’t forgive himself. He committed suicide and ended badly. Peter also realized he did a very wrong thing but he forgave himself, he lived on and did much better for the same kingdom of that same Christ whom he denied! Paul was arrested by the Spirit of Jesus, he knew preaching this Jesus could damage his integrity in the eyes of the Pharisees but he also forgave himself, lived on and wrote major parts of the New Testament.

Both Judas and Peter felt remorse! If given another chance, Judas would not have made the same mistake again but Judas never knew he had that second chance right at his palms. He denied himself the second chance and instead of rewriting the wrong, he ended his story. The difference between Judas and Peter was that one was ready to live again and keep the stories flowing but the other gave up on himself and ended his story badly.

I know that depression is bad and I know how convincing suicide may be when facing strong issues but there is a more excellent way. Suicide is the poorest and most unfruitful way to deal with those heartbreaking challenges.

Don’t end your story! Live now!

I am also speaking to you as someone who once considered suicide as an option! Yes, I did! It hasn’t been so long ago and I know you’re shocked that I of all people could think that way. I was diagnosed with an ailment which is the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life coupled with various other health issues associated with a compromised immune system. At some point, I couldn’t walk anymore or even clean myself and coupled to that, I was like someone who had been deserted except for a friend who checked on me occasionally. The medical bill was much and I couldn’t even afford it. At some point, I even became too weak to utter words of prayers and I felt it was better to die than living.

The ailment alone wasn’t the only reason I wanted to commit suicide, I felt very unloved and I felt their isn’t any reason to live ahead. Although I have been active in counseling people at that time, it seemed I was only looking for a way out of my own confusions, my own misery and lacks. My life seemed to be moving a direction that wasn’t in line with what I had planned for myself. Motivational talks sounded like curse to me at that time and the big thing was that I couldn’t even communicate what I was feeling to anyone because it just wouldn’t add up or make any sense.

The voice of suicide was so loud that no matter what I wanted to think, it would be speaking right into my ears, telling me how it is the best way to be free!

I did good homework on how to die in 15 minutes because I felt I couldn’t take the pain anymore. If I had a fast way then, I wouldn’t be living by now. But on the last stroke, I decided to give life another try, not as if I wanted it but because God made each delay to the suicide attempt a moment of reflections… I am ashamed now that I tried ending my beautiful story. The beginning may not look amazing but we know a beautiful story after the last chapter is done and dusted.

If I am speaking to you, we can talk about this.

I truly care!

Blessings!!!

~George O.N

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