A CLOSED CHAPTER

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It was an answer I was afraid to get but I knew that was the answer. Having seen how things were going, I knew it was the end to the beautiful relationship I shared with her. I knew this many months ago but I just couldn’t let go, I wanted to try harder and see if it would be possible. I know it was possible but maybe she only didn’t admit on time that her mind was made up.
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The more I spent time with her trying to make it work, the harder it became to let go even when it was continually hurting me. A lot of things kept making it difficult for me to make a decision, I loved her so much, my parents loved her, my siblings loved her, her mum loved me and her siblings loved me. Even our friends loved us together… But only the two of us knew what was going on between us. There was a distance even when we were so close.
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In these months, I kept investing my time, my resources and just everything left in me. Sometimes it’d seem to work and sometimes it’d seem to get sour in just one minute. Even while we had very good times, while we took ourselves around our own world, while I looked into her eyes and told her how much I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I was scared, I wasn’t feeling secure in that relationship because she wasn’t reciprocating those things I was telling her. When we talked about our kids, it seemed we aren’t seeing ourselves in the character of people who would make babies together. She would feel comfortable telling me she’d come to my own wedding invited or not. Yet, I was hiding my fears because I didn’t want her to start feeling I don’t trust her.
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Well, it started getting worse! The red flags were too obvious to be ignored and it was something that could be fixed effortlessly if we both were working towards same goal. Our communication was getting bad and scarce by the day. I’d still ask after her needs, spend the last dime to meet them. I’d still spend time with her as much as she wanted it. I knew I really made sacrifices, I didn’t need anyone to confirm that for me, I thought my sacrifices would make meaning but at a time my sacrifices started becoming normal, there was no excitement anymore and she’d just say “thanks” but it would sound empty. Not that she was ungrateful, I know I outdid everything, I did some to know if I’d still get back the woman I used to know, I did some to pass a message across that I could do anything just for her. My calls became boring and none of my love texts got replied. Somehow, I didn’t want to blame her because she had never been a wonderfully romantic person but with the long time we had spent together I expected more.
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I fought this battle of love physically, I fought it spiritually but my fears kept growing by the day with what I was sensing. I wouldn’t say she was unfaithful to me, I know she was so fond of me at first, I know she was fond of everything about me at first! Maybe it was just infatuation or maybe am yet to understand what went on. All I knew was that with time I started feeling a distance, I was far from her plans, far from just everything except her needs which I was the one forcing myself into. We’d always have issues rising as a result of not giving me a sense of security in our relationship. I stopped receiving assurances of her commitment long ago and anytime I ask she’d just say “let’s be going first…”
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I didn’t know why I couldn’t let go for such a long time and most times I’d want to leave, she’d give me reasons to get back and cling to her. She liked me as a friend but wasn’t sure about me as a husband. But just one day, I thought about it and I had to encourage myself. I had spent a lot of things, resources big enough to set things right for myself. I had given my time and even sacrificed a lot of dreams for her sake. I knew I was loosing it, I knew I was getting deeper into the abyss of the unknown but I couldn’t let go. Was it my temperament? I was a die hard loyalist.
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With all these in consideration, I decided to let loose my fears and speak up! I remember how it started coming to an end. While I was making yet another major sacrifice, forsaking serious issues concerning my own self, my heart was telling me “it’s all coming to an end”. I wasn’t the only one who made sacrifices, she played her own part though, she did the best she could do but maybe some how, one would always seem to love more than the other. I happened to be the most crazy one. She cared at her own capacity.
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That night, I called her and told her I wasn’t comfortable with our communication, I complained with pains in my heart as regards how it seemed she was beginning to avoid my calls and it escalated! I had to demand for her sincere answer towards what she wanted, I had always done that and she’d give me unclear answers but there was something about how I requested it this time. I sounded like I wasn’t afraid of what her answers would be, it had always seem I needed her more than she needed me but I had to bring all the drama to an end. It was either we part ways or we show greater amount of commitment to each other. I was determined to let go this time but I was afraid of it and left for me I wanted her to assure me it was still me she wanted.
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It took her time to answer me. While I waited for her response she’d call to check on me and that alone was enough to want her more and more but I pressured to know what she wanted. I pressured to know her stand because I am aware that wanting to be my wife yesterday doesn’t mean she would want to be my wife today.
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That faithful night, I was in a meeting when my phone beeped. It was her message and she wrote “the truth is, I don’t see this working out.. let’s just maintain our relationship on friendship…” It sounded like a better option because it would seem I was not loosing her entirely but that was the last thing I wanted to hear. For me, it was a more polite way to tell me it’s over. I started feeling sick immediately, the doctor had warned me to stop thinking, he had warned me how over thinking affects my health especially after the diagnosis I had.
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I excused myself from the meeting, entered the toilet, cried my eyes out for several minutes with the door locked behind me. I wiped my face, washed it, wiped it again and came out smiling after few minutes prayer of thanksgiving to God.
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Behind my smile was a heart full of hurt, behind my glow was a painful blow but I needed to be strong. I had always wanted her, I had always loved her and haven’t stopped. But I know I’ll get over her with time. No one knew what went wrong, I still laughed around and even took selfies but on my way home it kept haunting me though. I got the answers anyway, it was an answer I was afraid to get but I knew that was the answer.
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Now that it is over, I know there is something better, I know there is someone who will appreciate me better and join hands with me to build and I’ll wait till I find her. I am not afraid to love again. I have closed this chapter of my life and I am turning the next page to write a new story. Welcome to the new me.
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Okay, over to you…
Are you in a relationship with someone who isn’t bold about their convictions to spend the rest of their lives with you? Are you spending time and resources on someone you aren’t sure about? Someone who from the onset couldn’t give you a straight answer of what they want from you… I have one word for you… Walk away now or tell your painful story later. Please stop assuming, stop thinking it may work out somehow, when convictions are questionable, breakup is inevitable. Don’t let anyone use you as a backup plan. You deserve more.
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Purely fiction.
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#GracefulGeorge