HALF HEARTED LOVE | Can I love again?

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I got dumped, was it dump? Or should I say she left me? No, I think she dumped me. There was no problem, the only problem was that she seemed to be very cold about our once very hot and adventurous relationship. Maybe she had her own fears about us but couldn’t tell me what those fears was. Well, I didn’t know how to deal with it, I wanted to be man enough but the only way to be a man then was to hide face in my pillow and let the streams of tears flow. I felt I had failed myself, my partner and the relationship! I also felt I had failed anyone who looks up to me. And love? I promised myself not to fall in love anymore since I might break my neck on the next fall.
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Although I had tried dating casually with other persons so it would help me get over the past I could still sense that fear in me, the fear of spending another long time with someone before realizing they aren’t meant for me. I felt I was being cheated, poorly treated and unimportant. I felt this was all I could get in a relationship, I didn’t know I can be better than my experiences, I didn’t know I deserved to be loved more. Because I didn’t know, I accepted all the neglects, lack of support, starvation of love and so much more! I accepted it because I was afraid I’d never find someone else. I was treated horribly and I accepted it thinking that was the best I could get.
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Well, I had never known I didn’t need a relationship to be happier, I didn’t know I don’t need a relationship to be the best I could be. I didn’t know being single has its own best times. Although I had always blamed myself for not being able to manage a relationship well, I was able to forgive myself and start seeing the good in me. I became better and even felt I was an attractive person. Although being happy by myself didn’t bring a super perfect relationship on a platter of gold, it only made me become aware that I too can have a choice to walk away from things that aren’t working right. I would look at the mirror and smile at myself and I would keep encouraging myself to wait till I am able to see who I really want. I became a better person and a better friend to people around me because somehow my happiness became contagious. Those things I expected from people didn’t come but something was different, it had lost the capacity to steal my joy.
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Well, because of my disposition, people started wanting to be around me. No one wants to be around a moody person because it’s lot of responsibility.
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I realized that just because I was treated poorly doesn’t mean that’s my own share from the wealth of life, I deserve better. I was the one who accepted half hearted love initially because I was scared and that was all I kept getting. I have know now that it isn’t something I had to settle for. It is not wrong to look for what I want. Even though I may not get exactly what I want, I believe I can get something nearer.
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I had always thought all people are ungrateful and stingy with appreciation. I had always celebrated people but they had never celebrated my own good deeds in return. But I only realized that there are people who will prove the treatments I had gotten from others wrong, they were the ones who would show me what I deserve. These people were not far from me, I just didn’t see them because I was giving the wrong people a shot thinking they would be helpful to my loneliness. I knew my mistakes, I was clinging harder to someone just because she gave me the initial attention and then when she saw all there was to me, she felt there would be something better. I have learnt not to find fault in people who left me because they were surely looking for what they want.
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Right now, I know that regardless of where I have been, what I had invested in a relationship and who I have been, I deserve to be loved better and I just shouldn’t accept half hearted love, a love that is tied to conditions that I might not consistently meet up with. I know I deserve to be loved even if there were things am aren’t getting right.
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Now, I have position myself to accept love again when it comes knocking.
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You deserve a full hearted love.
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Purely fiction.
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#GracefulGeorge

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