I am scared of the disappointment that follows when I text you expecting your response. When you text me or respond to my texts, it is golden but it is hard to mine golds.
When you don’t reply my texts, when you give me a cold answer over the phone, answering with one word that discourages conversation, it ruins the flow and it gives me reasons to think that you aren’t excited about us and we’re never going to get together. It bothers me and makes me more scared since I seem to be the only crazy person.
Anytime I want to text you, I only expect disappointments and sometimes after typing, I wipe it off. It keeps sinking my heart and making me think you never feel the same way about me and the times when I still go ahead to text you and get no response I begin to wonder why I am even bothering you in the first place.
I know it sounds awkward and childish to be making a big deal out of just text messages and calls that were treated ordinarily but it’s surely a big deal because each time I text or call, it is my heart I pour out to you and your non-acknowledgement simply says you don’t care. I can tell how you feel about me by the way you respond to me. Maybe I could be right you felt so glad we came into each other’s lives in the past and maybe I could be wrong to still think you feel the same way now.
It’s a blow to me when you say you’ve been busy and can’t communicate with me. I try to understand it until I realize it’s just me you’re too busy to talk to. When you say my calls are becoming really disturbing, I want to feel we’re just losing our grip on this. It makes me assume we aren’t into ourselves anymore when you act as though I am not in your mind. I can’t tell the condition of your heart, I can only tell with what you express.
Sometimes I’d see you online but will wait to have you chat me first since I have always been the one initiating the chats previously but you’d stay online for hours and never chat me up. It makes me feel terrible. You aren’t giving me any sense of security, you keep making me scared and yet you wouldn’t want to let go.
I know it is childish raising this issue but isn’t love in itself childish? I may not want to text anymore, I may not want to call anymore because the more I do, the more I get disappointed and the more I’d want to call again to see where the issue needs fixing. It is causing me obsession and I need to deal with it now. It’s killing to be crazy for someone who isn’t crazy for you.
I don’t want to be the person you reach out to when you need support and the person you snub when you seem to get support from another. I don’t want to be the shoulder you lean on when you have a very bad day and the ghost that you can’t even sense his presence when you have a good day.
I keep hoping it would work out because you don’t want to let go, I keep thinking you’re holding on to me because you want to make it work but I also get disappointed in all those expectations. Allow me to walk away if you aren’t into this relationship the way I am, allow me to be myself again because I am not getting any better as long as you keep acting this way.
Allow me to delete your contact and everything that reminds me of you so I can move on quickly. I don’t want to get excited when my phone is ringing or a message beeped and I become disappointed realizing it’s not you. I don’t want us to keep arguing over this, it makes me look stupid. Stop making me feel like I have a chance with you if you truly don’t want me anymore.
You may have cared at first but what about now? You may have been crazy about me but what about now? If you aren’t having that thing for me anymore, stop showing me random care because each time you do, you make me feel you care and it makes me revoke all my moves of walking away, it makes me walk right back to you for another series of heartache. Stop forcing yourself into my mind when I don’t have any space in yours.
Isn’t it time to end this? Isn’t it time to admit it didn’t work and we move on? Isn’t it time we let go of the memories of good times and just give other people opportunity if we aren’t ready to make this work? I know it would work if you want it to but do you feel we were never meant to be together? I will understand if you ask me to walk away now and I’ll be glad to walk away.
I AM BREAKING FREE FROM YOU!