DOES MARRIAGE CHANGE ANYONE?

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Let me start this way,
It is sad that we fell in love with someone who seems to have what we want but also have a certain behavior that is too difficult to stop. I believe no one can ever have it all but I also believe a great deal of discipline ought to be invested in taking cautions. We must always make our goals in a relationship the priority. It is common to see someone who is intelligent, visionary but above all, less caring and supportive! Of what use would be the intelligence and visions when it will not benefit you? Of what use would be the riches of the uncaring? How about a man who is romantic and generous but very unfaithful to commitments? What is the use of having a man who will always buy you gifts but still go out there to mess around with women? I think that leads me to a very important part of today’s teaching.
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There is what I call “checks and balances” and that is what has to precede the decisions of marriage. Before you commit yourself to a very serious relationship hoping to end up in marriage, you have to be very attentive to certain things, you have to be very careful that you do not let your sense of reasoning be clouded with emotions and butterfly feelings. That a man spends money on you doesn’t mean he is the best option and that a woman visits you every weekend, cook your food and do your laundries doesn’t mean she is the right person for you. There are other major factors that truly determine if someone is right for you. I do not want to focus on how to know someone is the right person but I will highlight a little bit on an important factor of knowing someone is not right for you.
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Marriage is not the union of a perfect man and woman; it is the union of two different persons and their differences will always outplay. It is these differences that may tell if someone is not right for you because everyone has a level of what they can bear. To think marriage will settle those differences is to live in self-deceit. For example, when someone is usually cold, unromantic, very conservative and unwilling to be dynamic, who told you they will become very exciting partners once you eventually marry such a person? If you definitely cannot live with such a person, don’t think marrying him or her will change them, don’t even hope that with time they can change because they will not. Time doesn’t change people, people may only improve in what they do and when people aren’t willing to change, not you nor anyone can change them. You must consider TEMPRAMENTS before throwing up the big question or affirming to it. Is he very hot tempered? Does he threaten to beat you up at every slight provocation? Who told you he will suddenly become calm and calculative after wedding? Funny enough, the stress of the wedding, the stress of running a family and the stress of responsibilities might even make such a man worse. If you can’t live with such temperament for a lifetime why think he will change in marriage? You think marriage changes anyone? It definitely doesn’t. Sometimes, marriage brings out the worst in people. Whatever you know you can’t bear for life shouldn’t be given any chance with marriage. Marriage is not a place to try out something; marriage should be a sure bet and not some trial scheme. It is not in marriage that you start considering if someone will change or not, you should have done that before marriage and decide to either live with it or let go.
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You must check HABITS too!
Do you think the reason he is flirting around other women is because he isn’t married to you yet? If yes, you are wrong. He flirts around because he lacks self discipline. Don’t think you can pin him down with marriage, good sex and good food or at least, children too! A man or woman who isn’t intentionally loyal in a pre-marital relationship will never be loyal in a marital relationship. You must watch out for habits and if they aren’t what you can live with, don’t let emotions get the best of you. A lot of people have seen red flags that they can’t even manage but they keep holding on believing that perhaps one day he or she will change and they think this change will occur in marriage. I am not of the opinion that people can’t change but I believe people can only begin the process of change by themselves and not by someone else. If that change must happen, let it happen before marriage and let the change be proven to be real.
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If your ideal relationship is an adventurous one, you do not need a conservative and do not think you can possibly get a conservative become liberal by your own making. Whatever makes people change comes from their own within, by their own intent or by their own decisions. If the values of someone are different from yours, you certainly keep your values and they keep theirs. Even the Bible says except two agree, they cannot walk together. Yes, sometimes we hear very motivating and encouraging stories of how people influenced their spouse into change, you hear how a woman kept holding on until her husband started learning how to manage his or her temper and we want to think because they did it, we can do it. Truth is, we do not always hear the complete story and we may not want to invest time and a half of our entire marriage life trying chances when we had options to move, find someone who shares the same values with us and move on with them.
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A lot of people find the decision of letting go very hard because they are afraid of being alone, scared of loosing someone they have invested everything they had in to another person who did obviously nothing and scared of starting all over again. Because of that, they keep holding on to that unhappy relationship and eventually marry. Truth is, it is usually in marriage that people make their regrets. It is true that time and resources were invested but those can be let go, those things aren’t what we should hold on to. It is painful realizing that you spent all your time and resources on what wasn’t yours but it was never a waste. It is not a waste to love, at least somehow you learnt a thing or two, and somehow you learnt a level of forbearance and tolerance! It is better to forfeit something that the pains will fade in no time than hold on to something that will keep giving you pains for life.
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On a final note, put your eyes on ground. As much as your emotions are high, as much as there are butterfly feelings all over you, as much as you truly want to spend the rest of your life with such a beauty whom you have given all your time, be careful enough to consider things that scares you in that relationship. Be careful enough to consider if they are things you can live with for the rest of your life, if they are things you can manage or if they are things you can never ever live with. Is it how she remains inattentive to certain areas of your life? Is it how he doesn’t care about how you feel at times? Is it his or her hot temper? Is it their drinking and smoking habit? It may even be their un-cleanliness habits! Whatever it is, take your time to put all of that into consideration and if there is any reason to give another chance, do it… If there is any reason to let go, do it. Remember, the more we keep holding on to something, the more difficult it becomes to let go. Some got married to the wrong person because they held on for so long till it became very hard to let go. Life doesn’t end in a person; don’t let your life be so locked up in a person where you had a better choice.
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You still think marriage changes anyone? I guess you don’t!
Blessings,
#GracefulGeorge

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