Let me shock you a little!
Sometimes it’s relevant to break off with your partner so that you can enjoy your relationship! You need to break off so that you don’t break down! I will tell you why you need to give your less-caring partner some space.
I understand that in every relationship, there is always a tendency that one partner may always do more, care more, call more and show more concern. It’s normal but it’s not the best. You would get tired and it is usually your fault that you do more while your partner do less!
I was studying Kenneth Hagin’s materials when I saw this concept. While he presented it as a relevant leadership procedure I also saw it as a great solution to certain mess in relationships. I call it “BREAKING OFF”
I remember serving as a youth leader in a certain Church and I remember how I would always pet some of my members! I would call, send them call cards, visit them and even drag them to fellowship every time. When they don’t come, I go over to their house to know why they never came and I kept petting them thinking it was an ultimate way to win them over!
I didn’t know what was wrong but I knew that the more I pet them the more they kept doing things that would demand more petting! The problem is, I was spoiling them! I was getting them very used to it that they will always expect a pet. So whenever they want they can indirectly get me to pet them.
Then I noticed, when I got tired of doing all those, I focused my strength on the people who were serious, I started giving my time to other persons and started ignoring them. At first it seemed I had ultimately lost them but gradually they just started coming around on their own. Some didn’t come anyway but a majority of them did and even wanted to be involved in serious activities. I didn’t understand what I did at that time till I saw something like that in one of Kenneth Hagin’s stories! I weaned them!
As long as you keep petting a baby, carrying them around, showing care when they don’t even need it and making it seem as though they are all you’ve got, you are making them become grown up babies! They would be growing up but they will never stop being babies! They will always want you to carry them around, they will always want you to pity them, call them and even feed them. They will not be of any tangible benefit to you until you wean them.
This happens all the time in relationships. In relationships, we are babies who are growing! The process of becoming one is entirely new and you start to unlearn to relearn, you grow everyday! When two people become attracted to each other and eventually start off a relationship hoping to build something that will last into the future, they often start off with zeal! Both partners are so committed to each other, they meet their emotional needs and seem to be getting along so well! There are always testimonies like “wow! She is just the perfect one, I never knew any woman would be as selfless as her!” Or “he is the perfect man, I mean… He has proven to me that men can be faithful and still very caring.”
Gradually, things begins to change! One person continues to call, show concern, meet needs and go extra mile while the other person relax at the receiving end. When it continues this way, the person who does most of the job starts to feel a bit insecure because it seems he or she is still the only one who has been infected of the “love flu”, the other person might have healed.
Sometimes, it’s not that they don’t love us but they don’t really care to show it, why? Because we have made them think “it doesn’t matter any more… He’s crazy about me and no matter what, he will always come back.” We have relieved so many people of their duty without knowing!
Relationship is responsibility and not fun time! Sometimes out of zeal to prove we love someone, we start doing everything including the ones they should do and we spoil them, they become lazy in that relationship and start treating you like they don’t care without knowing! You have cultivated something in them and that is “he can’t do without me.”
I remember working in a firm where the board treated me as though they could never do without me. Initially, I could come very early and still get little payment. When it seemed I had what they wanted, they didn’t complain much if I come late to work and sometimes I would even threaten to quit and they would increase the payment just to make me stay…
They pampered me and spoilt me! I might stay at home and tell them to send me the details of the work they want me to do for them, I would just travel without informing them, I would do anything I want and they would get sad and look for other ways to please me! They thought they would win my attention by pleasing me, they never knew they would have taken strict measures, they would have risked loosing me just to win me back! Sometimes you have to risk loosing your partner just to win them back!
Are you a victim of this? You are wondering if it is still that your caring partner who used to be crazy about you? You’re still thinking if he or she still felt the same way? Sometimes, it would be you who killed whatever thing they felt! A loving father gets strict at his children sometimes not because he hates them but because he wants to win them back by making them less dependent on petting!
Perhaps you do all the laundry, do all the dishes, disallow your partner from doing anything at all! She calls and you hang up to call back, you buy gifts every now and then, do all manner of things just to express how much you love her! Believe me, you’re spoiling your partner! You might have wanted to walk away sometimes and she says “well, he will definitely be back! I know he can’t do without me.” And she is eventually right! You would walk right back leaving her no option to strife to do her best in that relationship!
You had made it your duty to do all the work in that relationship without knowing! You have reprogrammed your partner into a point of no responsibility for them! Even God doesn’t treat us that way because it would mean spoiling us!
This is why they might miss your call and never call back! They know you wouldn’t stay without calling again and so they don’t see it as their responsibility to call back! You may keep buying gifts till they get so used to it that they don’t even appreciate it anymore! You are the one spoiling them and stealing their responsibilities away from them. Often times it’s not their fault! You took over their roles from them which should not be so.
Another instance is this. In the African setting, most women enjoy doing domestic chores for their husband or male partners! I know a female friend with no string attached who would always want me to enjoy her kitchen skills! I had pleased her to eat once and she got excited! On the other hand men would enjoy providing for their lover’s material needs.
No matter how we encourage mutual responsibilities in relationships, this instinct is there and we can’t help it, some of us were wired this way by culture. And then a man suddenly starts providing and also begin to do all the dishes and laundries all the time not allowing the woman to do anything because of “love”, he is spoiling that woman! When she gets used to it, she wouldn’t care if you die hungry! Not because she doesn’t love you but because you spoilt her! There are creative ways to express love without stealing off your partners responsibility!
I was discussing with a woman when she said to me “I love my man but sometimes I don’t even know when I talk to him anyhow! I feel am loosing him, I feel he doesn’t care. I am the one providing for all the material needs and he still expects me to do the domestic chores.” I smiled and said to her “you might have caused it by not allowing him to be a man! Give him some space and don’t deny him his responsibilities! Let him get used to being a man again!”
There is a way to come out of that mess! Sometimes it’s better to walk away and build on a fresh sheet if you can’t erase the mistakes! However, the “BREAK OFF” method is a step in the right direction and has always proven itself in every model of relationship be it business or marital relationships. It’s simple! Just give your partner enough space, you need to correct the impression that you’re dead without them! You are not!
When you noticed they don’t care to call anymore, stop calling! If you will always give in to the urge to call, delete their numbers and delete anything that reminds you of them! Don’t do it with anger, you’re only trying to get them know they also have a responsibility! Don’t call them, when they call, pick their calls and never sound as though you have been expecting it! Don’t also make it seem as though you are angry, just be you and talk less! Babies talk too much or say things like “I decided not to call to see if you will call”… You’re on your step to maturity!
When you have spoilt them with gifts that they don’t even appreciate it as supposed, stop buying gifts entirely! They should buy you gifts too! Stop making it seem as though you are extravagant! If you had already bought gifts before reading this, keep that gift for a better time! If they still chose to stay after you had shown the other side of you, great! If they have chosen to walk away because you are reminding them that it isn’t your responsibility alone, better! Don’t tear yourself apart! Learn to be strong hearted! Be courageous and don’t worry too much! Babies worry about everything, they cry about everything and they don’t think before they act!
If you have always sent text messages or chats with the “I love you signature” and get no response, stop putting that signature there! It’s always good to remind your partner of your love but don’t make it look common! Love is not common! The more scarce it becomes, the more it will be appreciated! Stop chatting him or her for a while, get busy with other things! Make friends, not necessarily to take his or her place but to make you feel better!
Find new friends!
You shouldn’t be crazy about anyone especially when they aren’t crazy about you! Don’t be selfish in your relationship and also don’t sit down there in the problem when you’ve got a simple way to solve it! Love should be unconditional but in a relationship it is beyond just loving people, you must get committed together! It’s a thing you do together and not a one-sided thing!
Say “no” to one-sided love so that you can live longer! Your mission on earth is beyond the boundaries of your relationship with one person! Get along with others, this is not to make your less caring partner jealous but to help yourself feel loved! You don’t have to do away with your friends just because you “fell” in love with someone! You shouldn’t fall in love! Walk in love!
This is weaning! By doing so, you are making them less dependent on your usual petting and charging them to take responsibility! Don’t let pride come in, don’t stop picking calls as a revenge, don’t become mean… Always know when to melt and when to solidify! Be flexible and adapt to the need of the moment! When it’s time to withdraw yourself, do it! When it’s time to come out of your shelf do it! Until you both learn to be crazy together, don’t be mad alone!
The only time you should be crazy is when your partner is crazy about you! If you know what people go through just to prove they love you, you wouldn’t treat it for granted! Sometimes people spend all of their earnings just to meet a need of their loved one and all they get is a cold “thank you” if it ever comes at all!
I love it best when two lovers don’t have to go through the stress of insecurity, when the responsibilities of love is shared mutually and when they chose to be crazy together and not one person doing the work and another enjoying the rest! We should both work and rest together… Else, BreAK Off so that you don’t bREak dOWn!
God bless you!